ESCAPE THE SNEAKY PIEMAN The peculiar purple pieman of porcupine peak wiggles his mustache when he speaks he's got your name on his lips You better watch out, when he spits! Escape the sneaky pieman! HAHAHAHAHA (4x) He wants to win the big apple city bake-off and if he has to cheat - he will! He's got a bunch of crows and a gal named Sour Grapes and he doesn't care if it matches his drapes Pieman----AHHHHHHH He's so sneaky------AHHHHHH He's so SNEAKY!!!!!

WATERMELON Hey guys it's time to eat our watermelon now!

DEATH CARRIES A CANE There's a killer who uses a crutch I hear he doesn't like dancers too much Her throat was cut, be glad you didn't see her You better hide, cuz you're a ballerina! So don't get caught alone in the dark So you know don't go near the park I hope that you don't see his face If you do you'll wear blood and black lace!! DEATH! Carries a cane (4x) Seven Orchids with a red stain consequences of a cat in the brain don't torture ducklings in lizard's skins when the body count is over, the autopsy begins! This killer's living in a blood shack He smells the perfume of a lady in black He's faceless, merciless, you're armless and legless You'll be no moreso than a torso when he cuts off your head!

I WISH I WAS A FISH (written by Gloria Hayes) I wish, I wish, I wish I could be a fish I'd swim all day long and all night too I'd play all the time and never feel blue I wish, oh I wish, I could be any kind of fish! My aquarium would be a beautiful scene I'd look out at people who'd look in at me and someone would always take good care of me If I were a fish! How I'd swish, oh I wish a fish.

THE MAN WHO KNEW TOO MUCH There's no need to play this violin but I will keep on playing til the end Oh it's such a tangled web we weave This world is just a place I want to leave I know, I know, I know too much I know too much too much too much for my own good I know too much so much more than I should I can't forget no matter how I try Do you want to see a grown boy cry? I won't look at what I don't want to see But I"ve got a super-human memory it's easy now I've lost all track of time It's easy now I've lost most of my mind

ROBIN HOOD I am Robin Hood, strong and brave Here is my squire and here is my knave Forsooth my band of merry men some are happy and some are gay Take from the rich - and give to the poor Yonder fields of Nottingham See the beasts graze in the grasses old man, you must be... Blind people are easy to rob I carry their bag and give them a hand helping them through narrow streets of cobble I push them afore an ox cart Take from the rich - and give to the poor take from the wealthy - and give to the underprivileged The goths come and loot and pillage and rape and the vandals graffiti the... walls of the castle are high and steep where for art the walls of the keep? Many a man had died for the hand of above the young maiden that's there for the love of a maiden so fair

MISS SUNNY HEAD Miss Sunny head, Miss Sunny head You've got some lovely gloves on Miss Sunny head, Miss Sunny head I never feel your love's gone You like to lick the masking tape and eat some fuzz right off a plate you think that oranges are the fruit of all evil You know not if I"m friend or foe you're scared of your own shadow you like to stare at little birds and pretend they're in you death grip

CHEESEGRATER FACE I didn't know bout your cheesegrater face will you please grate this cheese? I gotta laugh at your big crater face will you please grate this cheese? Turn around before I gag maybe you should wear a bag good lord! UG-LY! Your face could stop a clock Looks sorta like a moon rock -- You still love me, don't you?

I'M GONNA BREAK EVERY BONE IN YOUR BODY I'm gonna break every bone in your body I'm gonna kick your ass all over town (2x) I don't wanna see this happening to me - NO NO NO! I"m gonna break every bone in your body I'm gonna make ya bleed I'm gonna break every bone in your body Your face my fist will feed I'm gonna break every bone in your body better get on your knees and pray I"m gonna break every bone in your body every single vertebrae I'm gonna break every bone in your body I just may be breaking your arm I'm gonna break every bone in your body I'm gonna cause you bodily harm I'm gonna break every bone in your body Your eyes will be swollen shut I'm gonna break every bone in your body I'm gonna crack your head like a nut I'm probably going to kick you I even may kick you some more I may kick you so much That they'll have to pick you up off the floor

BENDY-NECK Bendy-neck, I love your bendy neck I love your brandywine, I love your bendy-neck Bendy-neck, I love your bendy-neck I love your funny bone, I love your bendy-neck I love your bendy-neck, I really love it (2x) Bendy-neck, I love your bendy-neck I love your easy-off, I love your bendy-neck bendy-neck, I love your bendy neck I love your anti-freeze, I love your bendy-neck bendy-neck, I love your bendy-neck I love your cup-a-soup, I love your bendy-neck Bendy-neck, I love your bendy-neck I love your Van-o-lunch, I love your bendy-neck

THE WEEK I BRUSH MY TEETH 5 Cereal Boxes and not much left 2 spoons per box was all that was left So I chomped up it I got an uncontrollable urge to spit It's the week I brush my teeth (2x) Know I never use toothpaste To me yeah is disgrace I would use the general approach water feels cool down your throat A whole week now, it's 7 days baybee A WHOLE WEEK!

LONG DISTANCE DISCONNECTION I've got a 900# written on my back I've got a monkey on my back I've got a monkey, he does a lot of tricks I gotta call the number, I need my fix Why don't you call me anymore? (2x) If you don't I won't be surprised If you do, I"ll realize...why I don't call you I've got a toll # written on my back I've got a toll bridge running down my back I've got a toll to pay when I scratch my back I've gotta scratch my back...and try to get this monkey off Why don't you call me anymore? (2x) If you don't I won't be surprised If you do, I'll realize...I don't know what I want I got your number written on my back I've got your monkey on my back I got your number, everyone got your number I can't use it, it's on my back Why don't you call me anymore? (2x) If you don't I won't be surprised If you do, I'll realize...I wish you'd leave me alone

BLACKOUT (QUEEN VERSION) I know a little...

I HAVE NO DICK i have no dick (4x) I lost my dick in a war, I lost my dick in a war

I HATE THE BLOODY QUEEN (as written by some SCTV cast member) I've always had a dream, I'd like to meet the queen I'd punch her in the face yeah that would make me laugh I'd love to kick her in the teeth and then I"d make a picture of it in lovely ekta-chrome and then I'd give it to the prince I hate the bloody queen, she made me go to school I hate the bloody queen and all her bloody rules I'd like to drown the queen off the coast of Argentine throw her off a battleship with her Falkland war machine She taxes me to death, I can't afford me dope I'd like to get her high, yeah that would make me laugh I feel sorry for you Lady Di, havin' a mother-in-law like that!

RALPHIE ATE THE SANDWICH Ralphie ate the sandwich - it was fish Ralphie ate the sandwich - licked it right off the dish Ralphie ate the sandwich and when he walked in the room He'd eat another sandwich, and then he'd fly to the moon Ralphie ate the sandwich now he's chewing his back Ralphie ate the sandwich, I won't put on the Happy Jack! Ralphie ate the sandwich he had dinner with the Czar Ralphie ate the sandwich he wished he had a cigar I ate the sandwich, that I won't deny I ate the sandwich, how come you made no pie? Ralphie ate the sandwich & they blamed the cat Ralphie ate the sandwich & Ralph was the rat Ralphie ate the sandwich & hearing aid on the side Ralphie ate the sandwich, now he's grinning wide

MADE IN TAIWAN Why are so many things made in Taiwan? (4x) Made in Taiwan - it's made in a country that's not the US of A Made in Taiwan - it's made in a factory, they do it for so little pay Made in Taiwan (3x) Made in Taiwan - it breaks so easy, 'specially if you are rough Made in Taiwan - it's made out of plastique, it's not very durable stuff Refridgerator magnets, picture frames plastic toys and keychains soap holders, ceramic cats mini-notebooks and baseball caps! Why?

IT IS A VIOLATION OF FEDERAL LAW TO ASSAULT A POSTAL EMPLOYEE DURING WORKING HOURS The US Postal Service is really a mess It ain't much better than the pony express Well I don't really care bout 29¢ If you got a dog you better put up a fence I hope you don't mind if I cut through your yard You can't stop me, I'll still read your postcard You know I cheated on my civil service test But it don't really matter, cuz I really tried my best We can insult you, but you can't assault us cuz it's a federal offense, and that's our defense Back at the office it really ain't much better You stand in line an hour just to mail a stinkin' letter You mark something fragile, they sit it aside They hit it with a hammer til they break what's inside The clerks are really crabby, the guard is really mean Especially if you ask him how to use the stamp machine I'm glad I'm not stuck there, I"m glad I'm on the road Even though I can't remember my own zip code I'm on the job through rain or snow or hail but I don't give a damn about your outgoing mail You say there's $20 missing from your letter I"m sorry to hear that, do you like my new sweater?

I GOT FIRED FROM SILO Hello, my name is Jack Mead and I just lost a job that I didn't need well I had my friend call off sick for me Cuz I did not feel like going in to sell a TV As I said, Jack Mead is my name and I had to miss work cuz I was watching a 9er's game It's not a great job, but it's better than raking rocks But I couldn't leave the TV or I'd have to miss the super-jocks I got fired from Silo, it was a stupid job anyway I couldn't make it cuz I had to see the 9er's play I was 2 hours late Jack Mead is my name, as I said and I couldn't get to work cuz I watched the 9er's game instead I was rootin' rootin' rootin' for the team and as I sat there drinking beer it sure didn't seem That I would get fired from Silo, it was a stupid job anyway I lost a job cuz I had to see the 9er's play I was 2 hours late

WHAT CAN I SAY? What can I say? What can I do? I'm self propelled by ESP and Fu Manchu Here's looking at you in a coconut groove Palm trees & pear trees & elm trees & fir trees all sitting on the moon What can I say? What can I do? I ponder the meaning of existence and read some Camus There's nothing to do when you're locked in the Louvre Lizards & snakeskins & creamcakes & butterflies all in a coccoon

NIGHT SHIFT This is Chuck reminding Bill to shut up!

A CLOCKWORK BANANA What does a banana have that I don't? What can a banana do that I won't? Are you glad to see me or is that a banana? After all it's just a piece of fruit, tropical fruit Baybee for me it's no substitute! I've got a hunch you've a banana in your lunch How can you pick that banana over me? It's not got half my personality!

THEY CAME FROM BEYOND SPACE The Earth has seen invasion on that fateful occasion of the meteorite shower We don't want to be enslaved, the people must be saved, and I have got the power I'm not better off dead, I've got some metal in my head and I'll be going soon I'll be going to greet I'll be going to meet the master of the moon! Oh-oh-o-o-o-oh They came from beyond space! and I don't want to have to go and meet some aliens that I don't know and I don't want to have to go, even if I get to meet Michael Gough "My name is Arnold Gray"

VENUS IN FURS (from the film of the same name) Venus in furs will be smiling when that moment arrives (2x) For those who showed no mercy then, no mercy will be shown for those who got their pleasure from the strangled cries and groans The grins that filled their easen faces will be wiped for sure Sometime someone somewhere will come knocking, knocking at your door Running hiding ain't no use for putting up a fight A price they'll have to pay one day that price will be to die They'll find that there's no one to protect them anymore Sometime someone somewhere will come knocking at your door!

HOTDOG WITH THE HAMBURGER HEAD I've been playing hotdog with the hamburger head (3x) This head is thine, this head isn't mine I've been playing hotdog with the hamburger head I've been playing leapfrog with the limburger spread I've been playing hotdog with the hamburger head Head's gonna roll if there's no bladder control This head likes it's food - this head has a name This head likes to play the rabbit game

SOMETIMES I TELL ON HIM My brother is really bad. Like when no one is home he'll like take all the apples and he'll hide them in different places so then when someone wants an apple they have to look for it. Okay? And when Mom needs change, he says, "Let me get it". So he goes to the change machine, and you know on the change machine how it has that picture of how you put the dollar in with George Washington's face up? Well my brother puts the dollar in upside down every time. and he does it on purpose! Oh! and whenever any of my friends come over, my brother tells them that my dad gets Sports Illustrated - y'know, football, hockey, basketball, all that kinda stuff. And also when he goes to the bathroom,when he comes out he always says, "I touched my penis". And when we ride the bus he writes profanities on the backs of the seats, but he spells them wrong so that no one knows what it says. and last night he set the drapes on fire. My brother - my brother is really bad. Sometimes I tell on him.