HUMAN EYE (see PROLIFERATION OF MATTER)

FUN GUY WITH FUNGI Well I'm the fun guy! With fungi (2x) I like to go out and have some fun If you're looking for the fun guy then I"m the one Everybody's coming from miles around to hang out with the guy who wears the fungi crown C'mon everybody it's fun guy time and you'll be glad to know that the fungi's fine So come on over if you dare You'll see that the fungi is everywhere Don't be sad but I'm sorry to say The fun guy's time has come for going away But don't you worry don't you have no concerns It won't be long before the fungi returns!

I SHOULDN'T'VE BOUGHT THIS MAGAZINE (writ: John Fail) I shouldn't've bought this magazine It's called "discoveries" it's for record and CD collectors I bought the Oct. 1995 issue with a front page cover story on R.E.M. I thought they'd mention bootlegs. It was a really lousy article and the rest of the magazine was basically ads I paid $2.50 for it. Now it just sits on my shelf, I oughta throw it out, but then I'd feel guilty I BOUGHT IT AT BORDERS!

THE DATE Hey John I had a date the other night. (Oh, yeah? Tell me about it Paul") Well, I was just sitting there with my date. "Oh it's such a beautiful night. The stars are bright and the moon is full. You're very beautiful. I feel that there's magic in the air. I'm sure you feel it too. By the way, I'm missing a chromosome, so if we ever want to have children, we'll have to see a geneticist". "So, are you free on Thursday?" ("So Paul, was she free on Thursday?") No, she had to wash her hair.

ATTACK OF THE 50 FT WOMAN (see MY LAST TAPE)

DREADED GLAUCOMA TEST (see NOW I BLOW MY A-B-C's)

BEES ARE IN YOUR POP Bees are in your pop (4x) Bees can sting, you watch out!

SMALL CASH PRIZE (see BEST SLED EVER)

I DROPPED MY ALMOND JOY BAR I was hungry, I couldn't wait to get home I dropped my Almond Joy Bar Now it's lying somewhere in the rain all alone I dropped my Almond Joy Bar I have many regrets, and now I have one more I dropped my Almond Joy Bar in the parking lot behind the store I dropped my Almond Joy Bar (2x) Maybe I"ll find it but I doubt it I dropped my Almond Joy Bar I can't stop thinking about it I dropped my Almond Joy Bar I learned a lesson today good things come to those who wait I dropped my Almond Joy Bar and now it's too late Almond Joy's got nuts! Mounds don't! I was gonna have my Almond Joy Bar! But now I guess I won't! I will stop thinking about this now! I will stop thinking about this now!

SUCKING CHEST WOUND (see SUCKING CHEST WOUND 7")

I FAILED MY PERMIT TEST (writ: John Fail) I failed my permit test, I dwell in the past I am soap, I am scum I am soap scum. I am dumb!

WHO LOVES THE SUN (writ: The Velvet Underground) Who loves the sun? Who cares that it makes plants grow? Who cares what it does since you broke my heart? Who loves the wind? Who cares that it makes breezes? Who cares what it does since you broke my heart? Ba-ba-ba-ba Who loves the sun? Ba-ba-ba-ba Not everyone (2x) Who loves the rain? Who cares that it makes showers? Who cares that it makes flowers since you broke my heart? Who loves the sun? Who cares that it makes shining? Who cares what it does since you broke my heart?

COLD DRINKS (see BEST SLED EVER)

LISTENING TO YOUR HEART (see MY LAST TAPE)

I MUST ASK MYSELF (see MISC section)

I CAN'T TALK TO GIRLS (writ: John Fail) (these lyrics are not definitive - the original transcription has been lost) I trip over, get nervous, shake and sputter why does it have to be, I mumble and stutter I can't talk to girls very well at all!! I can't relax, so spazzing out They all think I'm a pain, can't understand me My friends say Oh you're a geek they don't know what it's like to be a freak!

BENDY-NECK (see PROLIFERATION OF MATTER)

DAGNABBIT Dagnabbit is the very worst word I say (2x) When I get mad, you probably wouldn't know it Most people say that I hardily even show it I don't slam doors and I don't break plates and I don't slam drawers and I don't break dates I'm a real nice guy, the kind your mom would love I wouldn't ever hit you or even give you a shove and I might say "heck" when things get bad and I might say "shoot" but when I really get mad When things get rough, I never lose my cool and "fight" is the only word I ever say after "bull" (bullfight!!) and I might say "fudge" if I drop my gum and I might say "darn" if something's really dumb No lie! Cross my heart! Scout's honor!

950-PAIN 950-pain, 950-pain and I really shouldn't call it again, but I always do Don't try to tell me I'm masochistic I'm just a little bit fatalistic My favorite kind of movies are the ones where everyone's doomed Oh by golly, by golly by gosh Why did I read that book by Sacher-masoch My mental health's in danger and that is safe to assume Why does the stuff I like always hurt me? I wish that somebody would alert me so that I would know what was in store She always leaves my mind all tangled I don't wanna get mangled! But even so, I keep coming back for more to be sure, her number is Is this what it's like to be in love? A little smile and a great big shove It hurts inside to pretend everything is fine But every single time I call I feel like I don't matter much at all I tell her she's a loser but she wins every single time

POPCORN BALL FROM HEAVEN (writ: John Fail) Okay this is about a popcorn ball that fell from heaven. I was standing at school yesterday There was this popcorn ball, still in the wrapper, it hit me in the shoulder. And I couldn't tell where it came from so I figured it came from heaven, cuz there was no one around. So I started eating it and some people started screaming, "Hey! You're eating my popcorn ball!" But they were like, 200 feet away, so I ran all the way over to them, and they were like screaming at me, so I gave them the popcorn ball, didn't actually bite it, I just kinda picked at it.

I'M STRAIGHT (writ: Jonathan RIchman I called this number 3 times already today But I got scared, I put it back in place, I put the phone back in place I still don't know if I should have called up tell me why don't ya, if I'm out of place Cuz here's your chance to make me feel awkward and wish that I had never even called up this place I saw you though today walk by with Hippie Johnny, I had to call up and say how I want to take his place So this phone call today concerns Hippie Johnny He's always stoned, he's never straight I saw you though today walk by with hippie Johnny Look I had to call up and say how I want to take his place Cuz he's stoned, Hippie Johnny is, but get this I'm straight, and I want to take his place I like him too, I like Hippie Johnny But I"m straight and I want to take his place I'm straight! (3x), I"m straight and I want to take his place I watch you walk around here, I watch you meet new boyfriends and you tell me how they are deep but if these guys if they're really so great why can't they just take this place and take it straight why always stoned? Like Hippie Johnny is? Get this, I'm straight, and I want to take his place I'm certainly not stoned, like Hippie Johnny I'm straight and I want to take his place

MONOPOLY GOD (writ: John Fail) I wanna be the car, cuz the car always wins you'll be hurting so bad when you pay me my rent I can get out of jail, I can do it for free When I build my hotel, you will FEAR ME! Monopoly God! (2x) I just rolled a nine and blew past your property the community chest says you owe me 50 pay your luxury tax, under free parking land on my houses, bow down, call me king! "GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL DO NOT PASS GO DO NOT COLLECT 200 DOLLARS DO NOT CRY DO NOT WHINE JUST BE STILL, BE CALM AND ACCEPT YOUR INEVITABLE DESTRUCTION!" I own all 4 railroads and utilities I have you on your knees, have you begging for mercy! don't ask me why you lose, it's rather simple I'm unstoppable and you are the thimble! "Now I know what it feels like to be a God"

THE THING WITH TWO HEAD (see BEST SLED EVER)