YOU'RE WRONG I climbed up a ladder there's nothing that I'd rather do I got to the roof If I fall off you know I'll poop my pants But you're wrong, you're wrong, you're wrong Cuz you've only got 5 good men I played Don't Spill The Beans I think YOU know what I mean I got lost in the pot, it's almost that much I can't get channel two You know I really wish I could If I took off my antenna you'd see that it was made of wood

PIZZA MAN Pizza man follows destruction! Pizza man follows corruption! Screw the pizza man! Pizza man, pizza man, waaaaaaaaaaahh! Bringing pizza to my home! You want a tip? Well fuck off! You can't buy a car with a nickel!

MY HEAD'S ON FIRE I never cared, but I worry seems like you're in a hurry wait a minute, what's the story? Why is it my vision's blurry? My head's on fire (4x) I have a nightmare every night I'm blinded by a blinding light I meet Albert Einstien he needs to borrow a dime I ate my vegetables, I got to watch TV I wish I hadn't eaten them, I wouldn't have to see

ASKING GOD FOR GUM I often ask God for gum I only wish he'd give me some Bubble Yum, speariment, Juicy Fruit, Trident I'll be good, I won't take your name in vain, I'll be nice to my friends Gum gum, gummy gummy, yummy gummy gum, sticky gum

LOOKING FOR LIVE LEGEND (co-writ: Jason Catena) What a drag it is getting old... Scuttling through storm drains climb descending stair looking for live legend almost everywhere striking out on foriegn paths, blinded by the dust looking for live legend, no one left to trust dream-like trances make it real searching for the light looking for live legend, life has he to fight vain searchings for the hero, tranquility is lost looking for live legend, our paths will never cross One more day look for live legend one more chance to make sure it's real...

CHEECH AND CHONG Cheech and Chong are really cool dudes but they seem to be always on ludes they tell dirty jokes while snorting the cokes and eating marijuana made foods

HARANGUE Some dudes look cool in shades. If you're cruising in your automobile and you see a fire hydrant would you stop? I would just keep going, but I would count it. If it was late at night an-ha would you hit yourself over the head with a pillow or a salami? You can choose to do these things, but you have to have the ability. You could almost make a career of it, but you would be breaking the law. Did you ever stare at this white thing, except that it's not completely white, it's got some marks on it, not Mark Gramm, but completely white, for 2 or 3 hours and you fell asleep with your eyes open and when you woke up everything was white, like and apple or like Jimi's hair or a hamburger or the blood coming out of your parents when you gouged them with a fireplace poker? Did you ever walk the streets at night spitting on elderly people? Did you ever want to tackle a fire hydrant and did it ever actually hurt? Did you ever make a wig for a light bulb? What is truth, what is justice, what is the American way? Where is the grass greener (on what side of the fence? Answer these questions for $12.95 from Selshow and Rider (easy).

SHIT EATING GRIN Look at that shit eating grin on your face you don't seem to have any friends and no one's on your case I see it whenever you look at me You look like the cat that just ate the canary You'll take any dare you'll take any bet but when you lose you seem upset did you think you could eat 15 pies? When you walk through doors people yell "Surprise, surprise" You've got that shit eating grin (2x) why can't you ever win? You're not always right but you're never wrong you try and try but you'll never be good at ping pong you like to see people you think they're fun but you've got to learn not to trust everyone

I'M A GUITAR EEEEEEE-YAAAAA-YOW! woaahhhhhhhhh! They call me a guitar, I don't know why They call me a guitar, I don't know why Maybe it's cuz my strings are so tight YOW! I'm a guitar and I don't know why but if I find out I'm gonna go to the sky Yow! I even look like a guitar, I got a neck! Yeah!

FORCED FOOD DELIVERIES Forced food deliveries, they take all my groceries why can't they leave me alone? Forced food deliveries, they've taken my groceries I wish that they'd leave me alone Forced food deliveries they pray with their rosaries I never seem to get off the phone

SPAGHETTI WESTERN This town ain't big enough for the both of us, Tex read. Meet me at high noon on boot hill, signed, Dastardly Dick. Tex was horrified. The note was for him. Tex had been the sherrif for three weeks now and he never had this problem before. Suddenly someone wanted to kill him. He looked at his swatch and saw that he had 10 minutes until high noon. He picked up his holster and put on his hat. He went outside the pub and saddled up on his horse, Marlon. He rode up to boot hill slowly, looking at his swatch frequently. He now had two minutes and was nearing boot hill. He got off his horse and walked up the hill. Suddenly, a group of Indians jumped on him and took his hat. The first Indian passed it to the second, who vomited into it. The second then placed it on Tex's head. Tex got back up and walked up to the top of the hill. There was Dastardly Dick. Tex said, "Sorry I'm late, but I had to wait for an Indian to puke". Dick nodded, and they began inching toward each other, with their hand near their holsters. They were now 20 feet apart. Closer yet they went until they were 5 feet apart. Tex reached into his holster, but Dick reached into his first. Tex felt the salami hit him hard. Tex pulled out a chocolate bar and tried to shove it into Dick's chest, but Dick responded with a jar of peanut butter. The chocolate bar lurched forward into the peanut butter. Tex said, "Hey your peanut butter sunk my chocolate". Dick replied, "Your chocolate went in my peanut butter". They tasted it. "Delicious!", they both exclaimed. Dick said, "What should we call it?" Tex said, "How about chocolate and peanut butter?" Dick replied, "No not commercial enough. Let's call it a Resses Peanut Butter Cup". Tex replied, "what are you crazee? That's the dumbest thing I ever heard!" Dick immediately shot and killed him with a Twinkie bazooka.

MESSED UP AND STUPID I saw you leanin' on your car looks like the gumband left a scar I put myself in jail, I wonder what's the bail Looks like I won't get very far We tried to spend just one day We walked alone, then we walked away this feels like a drama, this ain't no instant karma If I'm gonna watch I'm gonna pay Sometimes I wonder if it was fate Sometimes I think I won't survive the wait Did you just sigh from grief, or was it a sigh of relief the hours seem to pass just like the plate

BRONCHITIS An instrumental, featuring coughing.

YOUR FACE Your face, it's looking ugly now Your face, it's looking bad

BLACKOUT (EXTENDED VERSION) I know a little...

HACKEY SACK RAP Cackle cackle hey a cackle hackle jackel Well I play hack and jacks but I'm the champ of Hackey sack I'm not Hirax I"m not Anthrax, but for a fact I rock with a triple whack attack I go to Rax, I can't get a Big Mac, I can't get a Jumbo Jack so I go on home and make myself a snack A duck says quack, a yak says brak but I say I'm the champ of Hackey Sack I'm not black but I can rap and I don't lack the knack to play hackey sack I cracked Jack on the back with my Hackey sack A swack-cack-brack-a-lack-a-chack-a-lack-a-wack Well I'm the champ of Hackey Sack My mother she's the mother of Hackey Sack My brother he's the brother of Hackey Sack My father he's the father of Hackey Sack My grandfather's the grandfather of Hackey Sack My great grandfather's the great grandfather of Hackey Sack My great great grandfather's the great great grandfather of Hackey Sack My great great great grandfather's the great great great grandfather of Hackey Sack But I'm the champ of Hackey Sack

EIGHTH GRADER HANGS HIMSELF this is an instrumental.

THIS IS MY LOCKER It's 7:30 in the morning it's another bad day I came on the bus and I slept on the way I feel like shit and I got a bitching cold My lunch is soggy and covered with mold I make my way to the lobby to the mulit-colored lockers in rows I get to mine: C-112 I open it up and blow my nose This is my locker, this is my locker I open it and books fall out This is my locker and everyone's here but where the hell is Chris Hout? I ask my locker questions it's full of information I got an excuse when I'm late to class "I forgot the combination..." This is my locker, this is my locker I open it with pride when I want to cut class I just climb inside, oy, zzzssa, play it!

IT'S A CHOICE (lyrics: Brandon Ritchie) Take who you want, they're all your friends Your bullshit values have no ends Too stuck on yourself to take a chance Wanna impale your body on a lance So it's a choice it's up to you it's a choice of what you wanna do One voice - says what goes brown nosing bitch - everyone knows You know who's what before they're them every heard of a group called the Violent Femmes They made some cash - they're different but it doesn't matter who when you're the coefficient You see what I say I say you're wrong don't wanna spill my guts for your bullshit song Don't break off try to go along End up a wasted case, who's Ilan Fong?

THE DAY I GOT MY GUITAR A little piece of "weird paul-verite" - a recording of the first time I played my first electric guitar. I won't bother transcribing this. Ha!

BACKYARD BAR-B-Q DOWNTOWN (lyrics: Mark Gramm) Hard pavement under my feet Let's go outside and cook some meat Yeah I'm never seen with a frown I'm having a backyard Bar-B-Q downtown An old tired bum came up to me he asked me for a side of beef yeah I'm never seen with a frown I'm having a backyard Bar-B-Q downtown I was seen sad with a frown all my friends said what's going down? I was seen sad and quite jarred because I don't have a backyard

CALL PAUL Call Paul, Stuebenville construction Call Paul 283-3646 You want the best you gotta call the best Call Paul he's the one to call

MONSTER MAN TATTOOS I like my Monster Man Tattoos I like them em a lot I wanna put em on my hands and my feet ain't they sweet? I know, it's so Give me my Monster Man Tattoos now (3x) I want them back, give me them now! Monster Man Tattoos I got them out of a box of...loafers

NACHO SIN CASA This is a little Spanish song It's called "Nacho Sin Casa" Which, literally translated means "Nacho without a house" Nacho sin casa, Nacho without a house (2x) La-la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la I am stuck to me amigo bambito Nacho sin casa cochise

THE LIBRARY IS MEAN (lyrics: Sheila Petroskey) Hey, the library is mean I was walking by the shelves and a sign said be quiet then I was walking up the stairs and a sign said quiet I went to the library bathroom and there was a sign that said, "QUIET!"

MIKE BRADY SONG (lyrics: Mark Gramm) I want hair that curls, I want to adopt 3 girls I want 3 boys of my own, I want to live in a nice home I want to be Mike Brady I want a blonde headed spouse I want a woman to clean my house I wanna know a butcher named Sam So's I can get lots of free ham I want to be Mike Brady I wanna be an architect I wanna build with lots of effect I wanna dog named tiger I want kids who won't be liars I want to be Mike Brady I wanna drive the family car I want a driveway made of tar I wanna yard of turf I wanna boy who surfs, baybee on surfboard

YOU'RE A BUM You're a bum (2x) I sit in the gutter, I've got no money I eat from the trashcan, my nose is runny Got no family, I never take a shower don't have a job, I've been a bum for an hour!

SCHOOL I hate it here, I have no friends The friends I have, I hate

SAM BAIN (lyrics: Drew Falsetti) Well I know a nice guy when I pass I say Hi Well he doesn't do drugs but he likes to eat slugs he's alright, he's alright, he's alright, Sam Bain Saw him on the street looking down at his feet I said what is wrong Sam he said, I want green eggs and ham Woo! Sammy Bain! We love you Sam...

BREAKING BASS GUITAR/DUDE You broke my bass! I was so nervous, it's the largest crowd we've had I took a wrong step, I felt pretty bad I stepped on my bass guitar I stepped on my bass guitar I wanted to be a star they think we blew our chance They used to hate us, they tried to throw us out now they drove for miles to see what we're about It's a good thing I had crazy glue or we wouldn't have got the contract Dude.

LET ME SEE THAT KNIFE Let me see that knife, when you're done with it let me see that knife, when you're done with it Let me see that knife, I want to kill myself I don't get along with anybody I don't get along with any one I don't get along with anybody I know I feel totally incoherent, I feel totally incongruent I feel totally incomprehensive What exactly is wrong with me? Everybody expects so much I make one mistake and now my name is mud Hey, some asshole killed himself.