FREE INNOCULATIONS TODAY You came to the right place, fella We got the shot for Rubella, hey hey Hear what I say Today you don't have to pay They're giving free innoculations today See that girl dressed all in black? She's a hypochondriac, hey hey You have rabies, well please don't holler Today's special, 20 shots for a dollar! hey hey See that girl dressed all in green? She's the vaccination queen, hey hey Hey sir, you'll feel no pain Hey sir, we've got a tank of novocaine We're specific, we ain't vague we even have a shot for the bubonic plague, hey hey

ABACUS Abacus, I'm losing touch I can't even see, what's reality? I lost my soul, I lost control Have I lost my brain, am I inasne? Abacus, if you need me so much I'm not your slave, I spit on your grave Abacus (3x), oh!

SHOOT ME NOW I'm ready... We're all out of salt, and it's all your fault cuz you use too much, but that's your crutch everyone has a vice, everyone pays a price for doing something they shouldn't do I think I need a painkiller or maybe I just need to be killed Oh, oh shoot me now and send me the bill Lady beware, cuz I just don't care I'm gonna pull out all my hair I can't give up, I can't give in I can't let go, I can't let you win I finally found the hammer and now I lost the nail Oh, oh shoot me now the check's in the mail

SNOOPY PLAYMATE THEME SONG The Snoopy Playmate is lots of fun! It's a groovy toy and I got one! Now I'll play a song for you... If you're lucky I might play two! Yeah!

LISTENING TO YOUR HEART Listening to your heart will make you sick to your stomach Listening to your heart will make you wish you were dead Listening to your heart will make you sick to your stomach Listnening to your heart will mess you up in the head

I DRANK BARIUM Ow! I had to get an X-ray, an upper GI But that's not Government Issue who sings "Jaded Eyes" So I went to this place on Fort Couch Road Where I sat on a sofa, after I rode This guy came out, he said, "I'll lead, you follow" He had a jug of pink stuff it looked like I'd swallow Then came this doctor, his name wasn't Herman But he had a German accent, so I figured he was German I was like Frankensein's monster, a fish in an aquarium Then I did something nuts... I drank Barium! It's atomic #56, let me tell you some more It's naturally occuring, atomic weight 137.34 They had a Barium dispenser, it was like penicillan just cuz he made me drink it, he wasn't a villian For a lower GI, you won't get a sip a barium enema is worse than drinking it! I drank it through a straw, took some X-rays (more than one) I had a great time... I drank Barium! Yep...

TOILET PAPER BLUES I woke up this morning and I had to find some toilet paper but there was none to be found in the state the rubbish collectors came late and the makers of toilet paper didn't make any and now I"ve got the blues...

STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE (writ: volman, kaylan, muller) Who sleeps all night in a cake made of Strawberry? Who wakes up bright in a cake made of strawberry? Living right in a cake made of strawberry - Strawberry Shortcake! Wouldn't you know? Who sweeps her floors in a cake made of Strawberry? Plays outdoors of a cake made of Strawberry? Games and chores in a cake made of Strawberry- Strawberry shortcake, wouldn't you know? It's love that makes her garden grow with lots of pretty berries in a row she greets each day with a berry glow she's Strawberry Shortcake, wouldn't you know? What's it like to stay in a cake made of Strawberry? Work and play in a cake made of Strawberry Learn the way of little miss Strawberry Strawberry shortcake, then you will know Strawberry shortcake says you'll know!

I MEAN WHAT I SAY I mean what I say, I mean what I say Oh yes I do, every word is true I would not lie, to you or to anyone I would not tell a lie... I mean what I say...oh yes I do I mean what I say...to you...

DONALD DUCK Donald Duck! (repeat ad nauseum) Then I decided, that was Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse! (repeat almost as much as Donald Duck)

DEAD ON THE INSIDE What comes around, goes around I'm late for my own funeral and I can't be found but that's only because I"ve already died Oh I"m a hopeless case I'm crying out loud, for crying out loud And I'm not proud and I sure ain't happy I lost my pride and I lost my mind and I lost my heart and I can't find it And I can't stop thinking about you Well I'm not making any sense and I"m not putting up a fence but I put down my guard and there's nothing left to put down... I'm dead on the inside but I can't die I"m dead on the inside and I can't try to go outside this door... Opporitunity knocks just once and you don't have to be a dunce to know that inopporitunity knocks many times I'm doubled over with this single thought I've been to hell and what the heck heaven sure sounds like a good time I've turned over a new leaf It's enough to turn my stomach and I can't keep track of what day it is anymore It's always the first impression that is the worst impression that you can make on anyone

OUCH! Ouch, I didn't have any supper and Potsie's playing Yahtzee in my house Bounty is the quicker picker-upper and everyday a loser is a louse Yeah, yeah, oh yeah, well alright Popsiciles and icicles Gypsies, tramps and thieves Superman shot himself and now he's Christopher Reeve "The bell was ringing but it hadn't rung, you cooked a beefsteak in the iron lung."

NOW YOU TRY A POEM (lyrics: Ward Petroskey) You stand on the ground with your feet Then you go and sit in your seat Aren't they such pretty words? Don't you love little birds?

BLACKOUT (KISS VERSION) I know a little...

BRAIN CELL DREAM SONG OK, this is just a dream, this is only a dream, this isn't really happening, OK OK, I'm inside my head, an it's really dark, y'know, and there's all these lights flashing, and there's this really weird music. And all my brain cells were slam-dancing to this really weird music - you can hear the music, it's really weird. Then one of my Brain cells pulled out this little brain cell gun (BANG!) and shot all of them, every one, all of the brain cells, my entire, I think my back is broken, I... Then a braincell came out and he took one of those little things they have, y'know, and he said, "Take two!" and all the braincells were ok, and they just kept moshing all night. And I'm not on drugs, either.

CLASSIC ROCK RADIO At the place where I work they play a classic rock station It's driving me nuts! I'd like to put on WEEP, but I don't have the guts The next time I hear Steely Dan the shit is really gonna hit the fan! They're playing the Doors for the 100th time today I"m going insane! I want to stick the radio down the toilet and flush it right down the drain! The next time they play Bad Company I just may jump off a balcony! Well this DJ thinks he's really smart he thinks that he is funnee He plays records at the wrong speeds and gives away large sums of money The next time I hear Joe Cocker I'm gonna go off my rocker! If you had to hear "I shot the sheriff" again, you know that you'd be bitter I want to buy a keg of TNT and blow up their fucking transmitter! You know I'll be fucked up in the head The next time they play "Truckin'" by the Grateful Dead, Yeah!

ATTACK OF THE 50 FT. WOMAN Nancy loved Harry, he didn't love Nancy Harry and Honey, they both loved money Nancy grew to fifty, then she killed Honey She was pretty scary, and then she killed Harry

GOING NOWHERE He's putting on a band-aid, she'd having a baby Somehow, the two are related and then she walks by with her head in the air and her hair, and her eyes and then I realize I'm just an idiot going nowhere He's looking through a window she's looking straight through him anyhow, it's too late, yeah and now I'm walking around and my head wants to go down I'm mixed up in the head and I have to here it be said that I'm just and idiot going nowhere

FEEL MY PAIN I saw myself frowning in the mirror I saw the frown on my face and though a moment ago I was smiling the frown has come back and taken it's place Please please, I don't I don't wanna feel like this please make it stop whatever it is please help me to feel good I'm trying to compose myself while I compose this song and I'll compose it until I feel better I hope it doesn't take to long I should feel happy, look what God has given me so why am I crying - in misery There's no reason, for me, to feel this way and I can see, and I can see a bright light ahead

THE DEVIL COMMANDS A ritual death, bodies found slaughtered rotting away, like plants that need watered a face of marble, expressionless stone looks familiar, but unknown When the devil commands you turn your back on him when the devil commands you turn away From hell it came, to hell it can go death is quick, life is so slow Satan's my neighbor, I'm next door to hell sometimes he borrows sugar, for his caramel Lucifer rising, scorpio he was a contestant, on Tic Tac Dough a professor of demonology is detrimental to ecology

GREENPEACE STOLE MY HUBCAPS Greenpeace stole my hubcaps then they sat on their porch and drank beer and laughed they're not all they're cracked up to be they do a little more than save fish from the sea

GIMME YOUR LOVE (writ: Hemric/Styner) OOOOOH!! I don't want to be the richest man, ooh yeah yeah all I want to do is hold your hand, ooh yeah yeah Riches won't buy you everything I just want what love can bring OOOOOH!! Gimme your love I don't want what money can buy, ooh yeah yeah come on little girl and I'll tell you why, oo yea yea Money won't buy you happiness All I need is your sweet kiss, yeah OOOOH!! Gimme your love Now that you know what I'm searching for ooh, yeah yeah Say you'll be mine forever more, ooh yeah yeah You know I gotta find a love somehow say you're gonna make me happy now OOOOH!! Gimme your love Yeah yeah yeah, OOOOH!

ONCE IN A BLUE MOON Once in a blue moon, under a blue moon that's where I want to be pretty soon, I'll be singing that tune Happy as can be (repeat twice) Time is on my side, but I've wasted too much time just staring at the clock pretty soon there'll be nothing left to do don't bother to knock

I USED TO LOVE HER Well I remember once when I kissed her but now she's everybody's sister she used to wear skirts and hosery but now she wears a habit and a rosary God was the only man she ever understood God was the only man she said was any good I tried to tell her that God was not a man but she just cried and she held my hand I used to love her, but now she's a nun (3x)

BUY CRACKED MAGAZINE Yeah! Well my tongue is numb from the chewing gum that I chew Cuz I'm sitting here sitting here sitting here with nothing to do well I don't know why I am the way that I am I don't know and I don't give a damn Some people say that the stuff I read is obscene But I just tell those people, "Buy Cracked Magazine!" Woo! Reading "Time" is gonna make you blind to what's right Reading "US News" will make everything seem trite Reading "Newsweek" will get you caught in between so get yourself a subscription to Cracked magazine. That's right

DON"T BOTHER HIM NOW He's a wino, he's an albino he's got a clubfoot and he's coming after you he's a pallbearer, the blood beast terror he's prepared this table, this table will do! Don't bother him now, don't bother him now he's likely to chop your head off Don't bother him now, don't bother him now he's likely to cut your head off He's like a yo-yo, psycho a go-go he'll drink the chlorine if you let him use your pool the king of sodom, he'll eat your condom he wants to make out with Francis the Talking Mule Eating a blood feast, avoid mark of beast the mad magician, he's the wizard of gore he's like a yeti, with a machete he knows your blood type so you'd better lock your door!

MY 26TH BUS RIDE I was at the bus stop then it was a quarter to ten and the skies were pretty overcast then I felt some liquid fall on my body overall and a car full of laughing teens drove past Well this must have caught the eye of a woman passing by for she asked, "What kind of bug did you see?" I looked at her and shrugged I said, "It wasn't any bug, Those kids threw something at me". Yeah After all this fuss, I got on board the bus and I felt like I was gonna cry but with a little trying, I kept myself from crying and I stared off into the sky I want to die!

TICKETS SHAPED LIKE MY BUTT Tickets shaped like my butt! (4x) David Stock gave the tickets to Tom Hoffman they were free, they were free, they were complimentary they were season tickets to the Pittsburgh New Music Ensemble! So Tom sat them in his car, he sat em on the seat and he sat on them and then they were shaped like his butt! and he gave them to me (tickets shaped like my butt) (repeat 4 times) Oh yeah!

RESICLE Oh I'm so tired, I haven't had a good night's sleep I have Giant Eagle bags under my eyes and I'm gonna recycle them for money oh and the bags are all dirty and all wet inside and they're full of old sales slips and I don't care